… its all I’ve ever wanted out of life. Freedom to be free, to be me, to wander and drink up all that a life has to offer. I grew up in an extended family in a time when even a random stranger felt it was their prerogative to correct any misdemeanor a minor committed in public. I was never bad child but for the first 10 years of my life I was an only child. I got bored and wound up doing mischief at times. As a teenager I was never rebellious, but I didn’t see the urgency to do certain household chores, right now. Nonetheless, all my ‘misdeeds’ traveled internationally, across the wire. My aunts and uncles would soon hear about it. Then, came the lectures about showing gratitude. I think I knew how Oliver Twist felt. There seemed to be nothing you could do or say without being reminded to be ‘grateful’. As you know in my late 20’s I came to England and in my early 30’s I got married. Then, came the children in my late 30’s. Here I was back in a ‘cage’ (see previous post CLICK HERE) of sorts or at least so it felt for a long time. I’ve only recently made piece with being a stay at home mum. I’ve been making attempts to have some me time and attend blog events when I can. While I enjoy being free do to as please when I can, its not as much fun as I thought it would be.
Yesterday, I had one day of freedom! For that one day of freedom it took me all of the day previous day to sort household matters and get Angelo used to the idea I would not be home for a day. I went to bed after midnight. I had crap sleep … as usual… on this occasion it was Valentina waking during night and crying for me. Woke early and headed into the city via the Northern Line tube. En route to Kings Cross for Mumsnet Blogfest, I read about a woman jailed for benefit cheating; a man found eating a woman alive (cannibal style), another man sadly lost his life in a fall from the 3rd floor of Debenhams, Central London. Thank you Metro. On arriving at the blog event, thankfully, I met some lovely lady bloggers: Belle Noir Loves , Dark Tea, Joytotheworldblog, Down Side Up, and fellow Trini blogger Circus Queen to mention a few. Gorgeous ambiance and not one mention of Frozen or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… well there was mention of the Disney Collector channel on YouTube but essentially it was all ‘grown up convo’. I attended a few thought provoking sessions but declined to attend the third by then I was feeling physically drained and missing my family.
I left Blogfest early hoping to get home in time for my family and I to go on an outing of some sort. I got home and they were out! Hubby had taken the kids food shopping. While I was pleased that they were out and about, part of me thought “I could have stayed out longer”. The truth is, whenever I do go out alone, I feel as though something is missing. It takes me a while to relax and accept their is no buggy push and no hand to hold. I end up thinking and talking mostly about my family while out being ‘free’. Maybe its some sort of Stockholm Syndrome but now that I can be free for brief moments in time, I’m less likely to take the chance unless its an event or to meet with a friend. Going out into the ‘big world’ leaves me drained and confused. There are too many flashing lights, loud nonhuman loud sounds and news of violence and crime.
It took me a long time to mature into the thinking that being away from my loved ones isn’t about being free. Me time is great and self-preserving and I will not give it up. However, its also a blessing to have people who love you unconditionally, to them I’m their world and just as they are mine.